


The Joys and Hardships of being Dick Grayson

by dafnesway



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Teen Titans (Animated Series), The Batman (Cartoon), Under the Red Hood
Genre: Angst, Brotherly Love, Brothers, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Lots of fucking angst, Lots of that too, Past Rape/Non-con, idk how to tag anything tbh, so much drama
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-18
Updated: 2018-02-02
Packaged: 2018-05-12 17:44:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5674909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dafnesway/pseuds/dafnesway
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"What did he say?" Alfred finally spoke, breaking the tension.<br/>Dick stopped eating, his shoulders stiffened. Alfred waited patiently, until finally a raw and small voice answered.<br/>"He called me a charity case"<br/>or all the times in which Dick Grayson had to pick himself up and the times in which he didn't need to</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Falling Graysons

**Author's Note:**

> I apologise if the timelines make no sense (both in the story and in my grammar, because my grammar sort of sucks), in my defence I'll say that I've never seen the sense in them.  
> I also have no idea if this is good or completely sucks, so...

Alfred listened the principal talk without a word. She explained how well 'Mr. Grayson' had been behaving. He was quiet, she said, he always did his homework, and he didn't have any friends.  
  
"It must be because he's never been in a school before" she added carefully, "Although I am worried about his wellbeing"  
  
Alfred didn't say anything. It wasn't because of the homeschooling, he knew that, it was because Dick had just lost his entire family.  
He himself had told Bruce that sending him off to Gotham Academy so soon was a bad idea, that the boy needed time, but Bruce had insisted. Alfred had a feeling he knew why; he wanted Dick to make friends, to have a normal childhood. He wanted Dick to do better than he had –Alfred still remembered taking him out of school permanently after Bruce punched a kid for insulting his father–. He wanted to see the same kid they've watched perform in Haly Circus, that huge grin and twinkling blue eyes.  
  
But he doubted Dick would ever be the same after what had happened.  
  
When the principal finished speaking he stood up, thanked her and shook her hand. He walked out to find Dick sitting on one of the chairs by the office, his head tucked down and his hands playing with themselves. He looked up slowly, letting the bruise on his chin visible. His expression had the same emptiness Alfred had seen in Bruce so many years ago, weeks after they lost Thomas an Martha.  
  
"C'mom, Master Dick" he said, sounding fairly casual, "unless you're feeling like attending class"  
  
Dick didn't move for a few moments. Then, slowly, he got up and followed Alfred outside to the car.  
  
The ride was silent, which was expected. Finally, when they reached to a stop Dick started grabbing his backpack, but when he turned to the window he froze, confusion written all over his face.  
  
"I figured after such a displeasing experience you'd want an ice cream" Alfred said, opening Dick's door, which was usually difficult to do, since the boy was used to open his own door, carry his own things and cleaning his own bedroom.  
  
Dick didn't react at first, then he got up, and waited for Alfred to lead the way.  
  
The local was quiet, only the sound of an old man going through the morning paper, with an almost melted strawberry ice cream beside his arm. Most of the children were at school, and Alfred was glad that they were open anyway.  
  
Dick looked at the menu on the wall and then at Alfred, as if confirming if he really could chose a flavor. The butler smiled at him to encourage him.  
  
"Chocolate" he finally spoke, his voice hoarse and almost a whisper.  
  
The woman behind the counter nodded, and before she could ask Alfred pointed to the cones. She finally handled it to him, and Alfred gave it to Dick with care.  
  
The boy didn't waste a second, and soon his face was full of the brown liquid.  
  
Alfred grabbed some napkins and payed before they went to sit at a table outside.  
  
There was a moment of silence. Dick's hand trembled on the cone softly, and Alfred was waiting the retort that young Bruce would've said undoubtedly.  
  
_"Ice cream isn't going to change anything"_  
  
But it never came. After all, Alfred thought fondly, Dick wasn't so much alike Bruce.  
  
"What did he say?" Alfred finally spoke, breaking the tension.  
  
Dick stopped eating, his shoulders stiffened. Alfred waited patiently, util finally a raw and small voice answered.  
  
"He called me a charity case"  
  
He felt anger rise in his chest, but it was quickly erased by concern when Dick's eyes watered. He sniffed and placed the now half finished ice cream cone on the table. His lip quivered with tiny sobs, his hands grabbing the edge of the table tightly.  
  
"Master Dick..." Alfred felt amazed at how steady his voice could sound. He grabbed a napkin and gently cleaned Dick's face, who tensed up slightly at the motion, but he didn't pushed him away. "I know that kids... people, can be heartless, and I know that Master Bruce isn't very good at showing how he feels..." he paused, and handed the boy a napkin. He took it, his eyes scanning Alfred's face with just a bit of mistrust "but you must know that he cares for you, that he understands better than most people. He's trying to help"  
  
"He's never even there" Dick spat, his voice full of hurt, "he's always working"  
  
Alfred sighed. "His work requires him to be absent a lot, yes. But he is making his best effort, in ways that you may not know"  
  
"Like what?"  
  
Alfred paused again. Dick's blue eyes were flashing with anger, but also with sadness.  
  
Sometimes he couldn't believe how such young eyes could look so old.  
  
"Master Bruce was homeschooled. He never had friends his age when he was younger. He wants you to do different, that is why he sent you to Gotham Academy"

Dick opened his mouth to protest, and then shut it again.  
  
"Kids are mean" he finally said.  
  
"They indeed can be" the butler agreed, "perhaps the company of young girls could suit you more"  
  
Dick snorted, a smile threatening to come out. "Gross"  
  
Alfred pretended to ignore him. "In fact, I think an old friend of ours has a daughter named Barbara, I could introduce you to her"  
  
Dick giggled, his fingers once again grabbing the slightly melted ice cream.  
  
Then he suddenly turned deadly serious.

"Alfred" he said.

"Yes?" 

"You _can't_ tell anyone I cried"

Alfred felt the corners of his lips twitching, but he fought them down. "Of course not"

* * *

 

When Bruce came home he was surprised to hear the TV.   
  
Dick was sitting on the couch, although  _sitting_  was up for debate. He was laying upside down, a bag of chips half thrown on his chest. His eyes looked at the screen without really looking, and his hand mechanically changed the channel, without really paying attention.  
  
"It's more fun if you actually watch it, you know?"   
  
Dick jumped from his position, the chips immediately making a mess on the carpet (Alfred is  _not_ going to like that). He looked at Bruce, his cheeks completely red as he quickly assumed an adequate sitting position, and opened his mouth like he doesn't know what to say.  
  
"You're early" he finally choked out.  
  
Really, is not like he's _trying_ to be intimidating.  
  
"Yeah, there wasn't much to do at the office"  
  
Dick's eyes suddenly changed, almost like he's disappointed. _Almost_.   
  
"So you're working from here"  
  
The answer is unexpected, but before Bruce can quite digest it Dick turned his attention back to the TV and turned up the volume, obviously attempting to end their conversation.  
  
_"...the vigilante was last seen this past night, chasing what appears to be one of today's most wanted criminals; Harvey Dent, also known as Two Face, who, according to Gotham’s police, was stealing…”_

Bruce blankly watched himself racing on the streets. The shot is from above the buildings, probably from a helicopter, showing the Batman leaping from one building to another, before disappearing into the darkness. He was about to leave the room, walking silently to the door, when he heard Dick huff something in annoyance. Something that sounded a lot like _swearing._

“What was that?”

The youngster shrugged at that, starts picking up the chips from the floor. “Nothing” he says, tension on his voice.

“Don’t lie to me, Dick”

He tried not to make it sound too much like an order, but it was a harder task than it seemed.

“M’not lying. I just don’t know what you’re talking about” the words sound harsh, rushed. Bruce didn’t like it.

“I think you know”

“What does it _matter_ anyway?”

“Those are not words meant for a kid”

For the first time since he came home, Dick turned to him dead on, a feral look on his face, almost like a snarl.

_“I’m not a kid”_

Bruce gave him a second of silence. “You _are_. The fact that you had to go through this doesn’t mean-“

“ _Through this?!_ Is that really what you’re gonna’ call it?! _My family is dead_ ”

Bruce sighed. Dick’s cheeks were wet with tears, but he didn’t look sad. He looked angry. Furious.

It had been a while since he didn’t know what to say.

_So is mine._

“I know you’re angry” he finally spoke. “I know you’re angry with the world. But there are people that are trying to make it better, there are-“

“Batman’s a joke” Dick snapped, standing up from the couch with the force of his own words. “He dresses up, brings fancy shit, does pretty tricks and wears a mask. _I_ ’ve done that. _I was in a goddamn circus_ , you dress up, you do your stupid tricks and pretend you’re something bigger than you are. You pretend you can fly, you pretend you’re invincible” he took a deep breath, a sob breaking from his lips. “But it’s all a _big fucking lie_. I could never fly. We could never fly. _They_ could never fly, and that’s why they died, _because it was all a lie_ ”

Bruce let him talk, let him cry and stare and clench his jaw. He knew this feeling too well, he just never thought he’d have to see it in someone else.

Now he can finally understand what Alfred must feel.

“It’s not a lie” he said plainly. “It’s not _pretending._ You really do become something bigger than yourself, something that _can_ destroy you” he stepped closer, and Dick didn't back up; he let him put a hand on his shoulder as he spoke, looking directly at him, “…but that always leaves something behind. Something important. Something special”

Pleading blue eyes looked right back at him. "Like what?"

Bruce didn't hesitate to answer. "Like you"

Dick sucked in a breath. His hot-headed facade left him in a flash, leaving a vulnerable child behind.

“Batman is not about dressing up. It’s a symbol." Bruce went on. "He wears a mask to send a message; anyone can be a hero”

The door creaked open.

“Ah, master Dick, how many times have I told you not to bring the chips without a bowl, it’s-“

Alfred stopped in his tracks, looking at the scene in front of him.

Dick stepped back, his cheeks turning bright pink.  _That was the second time he cried that day._

“Master Bruce” he said softly, surprised, “you’re early”

 


	2. Cold Embrace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jason tastes something ugly at those words. “Not really, I mean, you didn't kill him, and I'm pretty sure Batman has done stuff like that. You're right, though, it is stupid”
> 
> Dick chuckles again, takes another big sip. “I got over it a while ago, it isn't-” his voice dies suddenly, along with the laughter. It's starting to make Jason a bit concerned.
> 
> And Jason doesn't do concerned. “It's not what's bothering you” he fills in, “then what is it?”
> 
>  
> 
> or that thing that happened to Dick no one wants to talk about

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heeeeeeyyyyy sorry i took so long to update anything... specially since this was pretty much sitting in my phone's notes, i figured i might as well share, hope you guys enjoy it, thanks for all the kudos i keep receiving, and sorry for any errors! not a native speaker!

Jason doesn't know how he ended up in this situation.

It's a rare thing when he gets called in a Batman mission (it usually takes Oracle several minutes of throwing compliments his way for him to agree), but it's even weirder when he gets to work with someone else.

Normally he'd just be asked to handle something, but Oracle said that Nightwing was having "rough days lately", which Jason knows is code for "something happened this month some time back that he doesn't like being reminded of". He doesn't know what it is, but it certainly doesn't have to do with his parents, with him, or, really, any death he can remember.

He does it anyway, though, and even when Dick is being his usual cheerful idiotic self, Jason gets what Oracle meant; whenever he thinks Jason isn't looking, his face becomes sad and his eyes absent.

When the mission is over and it's way past midnight, Jason decides Dick needs a distraction, so he grabs a couple of beers from a local store and they sit together in a rooftop. Jason takes off his helmet, grateful that he's always wearing a mask underneath, and they drink.

“So,” Jason says, “are you going to tell me what happened?”

Dick tenses up slightly, and a second later he's flashing him one of his giant smiles. “What do you mean?”

“Don't play dumb, Dicky” he holds up his hand when his brother goes to remind him not to use names on the field. Whatever. “Oracle said you've been having rough days, I know what that means. What happened?”

Dick purses his lips. “I didn't think she'd notice”

Idiot. “You're not answering my question”

The older man sighs. He rests his head on his hands for a moment, and then looks away. “You'll think it's stupid”

“Nightwing” Jason leans in a bit, “my opinion of you can't get lower”

It works, Dick snorts and a little, genuine smile appears on his lips. “Fine,” he takes a huge sip of the beer, “you know Blockbuster?”

“Yeah, he's been dead for a while, hasn't he? Tarantula junior killed him”

“Hm” his hands tap nervously on the floor, ”I was there”

Okay, not expecting that. “You were? Huh”

“He was... he'd killed people I cared about, I was in a pretty dark place and she could stop it, you know?” he groans, and hides his face on his hands, “so she shot him, and I just... stood there. Man, you must think I'm such a hypocrite...“

Jason tastes something ugly at those words. “Not really, I mean, you didn't kill him, and I'm pretty sure Batman has done stuff like that. You're right, though, it is stupid”

Dick chuckles again, takes another big sip. “I got over it a while ago, it isn't-” his voice dies suddenly, along with the laughter. It's starting to make Jason a bit concerned.

And Jason doesn't do concerned. “It's not what's bothering you” he fills in, “then what is it?”

It takes a moment for Nightwing to speak again. “I don't remember it that good, but I know- I know I said no, and she didn't- I remember I felt so bad, and she-” he stops abruptly, his hand around the empty can is shaking faintly, “I remember it just made me feel worse, it made me feel-” Used. Disgusting. Pathetic.

“Dick” Jason whispers, stunned. “Are you telling me she raped you?”

His brother inhales a quick breath in surprise. “No- I mean, I could've stopped her, it wasn't like I was- Defenseless, you know? I don't know why I just- My body wouldn't move”

“You told her no” Jason presses. He doesn't realize he's crushed his own drink until later. “She didn't listen. You were going through a fucking breakdown, and she took advantage of it. She raped you“

Dick turns to look at him for the first time since they've started talking. His blue eyes look wide and scared, what he just heard seems to be sinking in slowly. “I didn't think it like that” he confesses, and Jason doesn't like how fragile he sounds.

“Dick,” Jason says, secret identities be damned, “why didn’t you ever tell anyone?”

“I-” he whispers, and then crumbles. Tears start pouring out of his eyes without any warning, going through the mask and into the floor. “I don’t know,” he whimpers, his face looks disturbingly calm, almost completely detached, “I never thought- I never thought that could happen to me.”

For a moment, Jason feels a sort of panic rising through his gut. Why is Dick telling _him_ this? He’s the least qualified to deal with this sort of situation. He’s never been good at comforting anyone, or giving advice, and yet he realizes, Dick has always talked to him about the darkest spots in his life, about the hidden corners, the nastiest secrets. Perhaps he really thinks Jason doesn’t care, he really thinks he can tell him anything because there’s no love to be lost.

Well screw him.

In a sudden burst of anger, he smacks the back of Dick’s head, hard. The young man blinks in confusion, his right hand rubbing at the spot he was hit on. “ _Fuck you_ ,” he spats, “you can’t just use me as a garbage dump and not tell anyone about this shit. This is serious, Dick, you were hurt, and you act as if they- as if _we_ don’t deserve to know and help you.”

Nightwing blinks again, then slowly turns his eyes at him, hand still rubbing the back of his head. He opens his mouth, and then his face turns into an ugly sob. Jason doesn’t think about it, he pulls him by the suit and holds him by his arms, in a strange awkward hug. “Okay,” Dick says, “I’m sorry.”

“I’m only going to say this once, Dick,” Jason whispers through his teeth. He’s already regretting it. “So you better listen carefully.” He takes a pause to gather his strength, in which his mind is screaming at him to stop, stop, _stop_. “I care about you, we all do, so get your shit together and stop brooding this bullshit like you were Batman.”

Dick’s sobs turn into a chocked laugh. He leans in Jason’s shoulder, and buries his face there. “Thanks, little wing.”

“Don’t push it.”


	3. Close Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which Dick almost punches Bruce

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't know man, i started this like three years ago and finnished just now so... i hope it's coherent  
> also sorry for making Bruce kind of a jerk... and mixing up timelines and continuity and... everything again

Damian knows he's supposed to be happy. Overjoyed, relieved, dancing around in a clear full of flowers kind of happy. After all, his father had turned out to be pretty much alive; not dead, yay.

The problem is, he isn't.

He'd had this image of his father in his head for so long; a perfect imposing figure. He used to think about how it would be like, if he had the real Batman on his side, specially at the beginning, when Grayson was nothing more than a pathetic rip off straight out from a goddamn circus.

But now Bruce Wayne is back, and the real Batman is the one on his side, and yet he feels more miserable than ever.

Maybe because the real Batman isn't actually by his side. In fact, they don't even seem to be on the same one.

For the first time in so long, he feels like a foreigner; and one that isn't welcomed there.

Grayson helps, or he tries. He tries so hard like he always does. He smiles and jokes and tries to ease the air whenever he's around his father, or Drake, or anyone really. He had beginning to feel like part of the "family", and yet these people, even though he's already met most of them, are completely strangers to him.

So he's not surprised when he accidentally steps into Grayson having a rather nasty talk with his father. They don't seem to notice him, though, and he wouldn't even be interested in the bloody thing if he hadn't heard his name.

 “...What were you even thinking, making Damian your Robin?” 

There was a moment in which Grayson just stood there, stunned. He opens his mouth, with the most horrified expression Damian's ever seen him with, and just snaps.

“Don't you dare! Don't you fucking dare asking me that, Bruce! If there was one thing I did right in this damn mess, was taking Damian in! Yes, I'm sorry I hurt Tim, but you can't- You can't just bust in here out of fucking nowhere and criticize what I did! Not on this!” He takes a deep breath, his hands are shaking violently. “You were dead, and your son was just there, alone. What would you have me do? Lock him up?! Leave him?! Did you leave me when I needed you? I wasn't even your kin, Bruce!”

“That was different” comes back, “you weren't trained to kill people”

“I almost was!” Grayson yells, his voice going a whole octave higher. “I was going to be a Talon, Bruce!”

“You weren't Talia al Ghul's son” his father snapped back. “How can I trust him, Dick? How could you?”

Damian feels something inside him break at those words. His throat gets closed, and he's all about to leave when Grayson suddenly grabs Bruce by his collar and is all on to punch him when he stops, and just lets that hand fall flatly on the man's chest.

“Fuck, Bruce” he whispers, and now he doesn't even sound angry anymore, “well, good thing the feeling is mutual; he doesn't trust you either”

Bruce steps back at that, like Grayson had actually pushed him. “He has no reason to fear me, I wouldn't hurt him unless it was necessary”

Grayson gives him this sad, tired look. “And when is it necessary, Bruce, to hurt your family? When you neglect to tell them you're actually alive? When you ask me to keep being Batman with no regard whatsoever in how much I fucking hate it? When you fail to even thank Tim? When you haven't even checked on the man who raised you?” then he stops, closes his eyes, and tears drop down his cheeks. Damian freezes right there on the spot. “He has all the excuses for not trusting you, or even liking you. He doesn't know you, and all you've done so far is making him feel rejected. You, on the other hand, have all the reason to trust Damian. He's your son. He's my brother. He saved my life on more that one occasion. And I love him, I love him so much you have no idea, so don't you dare say that kind of thing about him again, I'm not sure I won't actually hit you if you do”

Damian feels his own eyes threaten with tears at Grayson's words. He said those sentiments so easily, so truthfully. And then he just stands there, sobbing his heart out. 

When Bruce doesn't say anything, he moves to leave, but then he stops on his tracks, and Damian's throat tightens even more because he saw him.

“Dami” Grayson says, and that phrase alone sounds so heartbroken that Damian's body just acts on his own. He steps inside, not caring how loud the door sounds when he throws it so suddenly, and puts himself between his father and his brother.

“If you make him cry again” he says, poison filling all of his words, “I'll kill you. I don't care that you're Batman, I don't care that you happen to be my father. I will kill you”

Bruce's lip doesn't do anything more than twitch. Damian can't read his expression in anything other than tense.

Grayson, on the other hand, inhales a quick breath in surprise, his whole body shifts. “Dami” he repeats, because he doesn't know what else to say.

“He can stay,” Bruce suddenly talks. “You don’t have to keep being Batman, Dick, I’ll figure something else.” He walks through the door and into the hallway, as if they were speaking business. “We’ll have to work out something for Tim.”

And with that, he’s gone.

Damian huffs, annoyed, but to his surprise, Grayson lets out a chocked laugh. “What’s so funny?”

“That’s his apology,” he tells him, winking. “Sorry you had to see that, Dami.” This time, Damian ducks fast enough to avoid Grayson messing with his hair, which makes the older man smile fondly. “And Damian,” he pauses, to crunch slightly to his eye level. Damian doesn’t like to see his eyes so red and puffy. “I appreciate the sentiment, but I think it’s time to learn to show affection in ways that don’t involve death threats.”

“Fine,” he crosses his arms, “patrol with me tonight.”

Grayson’s smile widens. “I’ll take what I can get.”


	4. Same Darkness, Different Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry just passed, Wally is Flash, and Dick feels like Bruce doesn't believe he could ever do the same for him

Dick hadn't expected Wally to notice.

He already had too much going on, everyone still grieving Barry, and his friend just starting to get used to being Flash. And really, Dick's small and stupid annoyance doesn't really matter.

Because it is stupid. He can't believe he's thinking something so petty when the man that was a mentor and family to him just died.

But of course Wally notices.

And he presses, and it's ridiculous because Dick came to help him. Wally's been with Iris practically every day, and Dick knows he needs a break, but instead of properly playing video games and drinking soda Wally is trying to get Dick to tell him his problems. 

“It's stupid” he groans when his friend actually pauses the game. “Really, dude, forget it”

“No way!” the redhead takes another handful of popcorn as he speaks, “man, you already said that like a hundred times! Just tell me”

“Fine” he sighs, and holds a pillow against his face, maybe hoping Wally won't hear him. “Look it's just- Bruce told me once that he didn't want me to be Batman”

He stops, hoping he doesn't have to say anything else.

“...Okay” Wally says, slightly confused, “I thought you didn't want to either”

“I don't!” Dick sighs. Why is talking about feelings so hard? “It's just- What if he thinks- I mean, with you and- What if he thinks I can't handle it?”

“Hm” his friend smiles a little, understandingly. “Dude, you're taking it all the wrong way”

Dick huffs against the pillow.

“I'm serious! You say it like being Flash or Batman is harder than being Nightwing”

The acrobat finally shows his face, surprise written on his young features. “It is”

“Not” Wally crosses his arms stubbornly. “It's- It's almost the same thing as being Kid Flash, or, well, Robin. You don't have to work for it, everyone already knows you. You're already a hero”

“But-” Dick's frown deepens. “But I don't have to deal with Joker or Reverse Flash or-”

The redhead waves his hand dismissively. “The psychos come later. I mean, sure, Batman always had them; but that's because it's Gotham”

He manages to bite his tongue from going stubborn. Bludhaven may be worse than Gotham in crime, he thinks, but Wally's right, the psychos are mostly in Bruce's city.

“You had to make a name for Nightwing” his friend looks at him, suddenly serious, “I'll never know what that's like. I always admired you and, well, Jason, but mostly you, because you didn’t blur the lines the way he did.”

Dick rests his head on top of the couch, frowning. “Then why did I always felt as if… I could never fill in Batman’s mantle?”

“Well,” Wally makes an ugly face, staring at his hands, “I sort of feel that, too… I don’t think it has to do with how hard it is, Dick, it has to do with… being someone you’re not. I mean- Uncle Barry and I always understood each other, so I do like what I’m doing, but I know I can’t be Barry Allen. But you- you’re not like Bruce, man, you’ve never been like him.”

At first, the statement hurts. He’s always felt like him and Bruce share something no one could understand. The same darkness. The same pain. The same tragedy.

And yet, Wally is right. Dick moved on, Bruce stayed in the dark.

No wonder Bruce doesn’t want Dick to take his place.

“Thanks, man,” he says, feeling as if a weight had been lifted.

“No problem,” Wally smiles, and then presses play.


	5. Mirage

There were a few blissful moments of ignorance before Dick’s world came crashing down on him, before he fully understood what Kory’s disappearance truly meant, and when he did realize, it was as if someone had cut through his chest, took his heart on their fist and crushed it. And Kory, _fuck_ , the way she looked at him, all the warm her eyes had held for him was now gone. All he could do was panic; desperately he attempted to explain, to justify it, to somehow salvage whatever she could still feel for him.

“Kory,” he pleaded, voice rough, shaking, “her disguise was perfect, she- she _looked_ like you I-”

_I didn’t know._

“Did she say the same things I do, Dick?” Kory’s eyes burned him alive, the way her voice shook in hurt and fury and betrayal. _No_ , he wanted to say, _she never called me what you call me._ “Does she move the same way I do?” _No, she was forceful, never gentle like you._ “Maybe you mean she kissed you exactly the same way I kiss you?”

“No,” he choked his words out, “of course not, but I thought-”

He thought she was just playing, he thought she was acting differently because she wanted to seduce him. The idea that she hadn’t been Kory at all had never even crossed his mind.

“Dick, after four years together, I know how you _breathe_. I know your every rhythm.” Her words pierced through his heart, he could almost feel the blood flowing out into his clothes like dirt, the embodiment of the filth he’d felt on himself ever since, as if he was forever stained of something that would never, ever wash out. “I know how you move your hands, I know everything about you. I wouldn’t be fooled by a lousy copy.”

He staggered back, opened his mouth to object, _that’s not fair,_ but all the protests were stuck on his throat, and he felt that he couldn’t force them out without somehow vomiting his insides.

He should’ve known. He should’ve known; should’ve made the connections on his mind, should’ve found suspicion on her new behavior instead of excitement. “Kory, I-” _I’m sorry._ “I thought it was you, I thought I was making love to you.”

“You don’t get it do you?” she tightened her hands into fists, turned her head away from him, almost like she’s _repulsed_ by him, “that’s exactly the problem, Dick. You didn’t know you weren’t making love to me.”

She left. She left before he could even grab her arm, all he could do was shout out her name, watch helplessly as she flew away, already punishing himself for all the things he didn’t say and all the clues he didn’t see.

He was seventeen.

He’s in his twenties when he tells Roy.

It takes a few drinks to get him into a state in which he’d even _think_ of telling him, and as soon as the story is out he wishes he could take all the things he said and swallow them back. He expects rejection, he expects to see the same disgust he saw on Kory all those years back, but all Roy does for a few agonizing minutes is just stare at him.

“Shit, Dick,” he finally, finally speaks.  “I’m so sorry; I didn’t- If I’d known-”

He attempts to shrug it off. “It’s okay, we never told anyone. After what I did-” his façade wavers just for a second, voice breaking slightly, “we couldn’t… make it work again.”

“That’s why you broke up?” Roy shakes his head in disbelief. “Christ, Dick, Kory told everyone that you cheated on her, all this time I-”

Dick laughs. His chest is burning, constricting, so long has passed and the same pain still wrecks him to his core. “Well, it wasn’t a lie.”

“ _Wasn’t a lie?_ ” Roy slams his drink on the table, “Dick, please don’t tell me you blame yourself for it, for once in your life.”

“It _was_ my fault,” he argues, “I was trained by the freaking World’s Greatest Detective, I should’ve known-”

“You were with your girlfriend, Dick, you were seventeen years old, all your defenses were down, and you’re _not_ Batman, you’re not paranoid about everyone all the time, you-” Roy sighs, rubs his face with his hand, “you trust people, actually trust people. This was not your fault.”

Tears threaten to come out, but he pushes them back, closes his eyes and breathes deeply. The pain on his chest, somehow, it’s not as deep as before.

Roy keeps talking. “Kory wasn’t thinking rationally, Dick, of course it hurt her, and yeah, maybe, as good as your relationship was, it couldn’t handle what happened, but this was nobody’s fault but Mirage’s. Not yours, not Kory’s, believe me, sometimes shit just happens.”

He can’t help it anymore; a sob breaks out, and Roy is on him in an instant, “c’mon,” he says, “come here you selfless stupid bastard.” Dick buries his face on his friend’s shoulder.

“Sorry,” he mumbles.

“Shut up.”

Dick shuts up, and cries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heeey! so I just found out Dick actually got raped before Tarantula, yikes!  
> and btw, I didn't use the word "rape" because this is supposed to happen before he talks to Jason and... plot consistency, you know? "I never thought that could happen to me"? But yeah, this was definitely rape, don't think I don't know that


End file.
